It's the Grand National on Saturday. It's one of the
hardest to predict races for years. This is our 
suggestion: open a Betfair account, bet on a horse
up to 25GBP, and if it loses, Betfair will REFUND
your bet. It's a no lose race!

"I decided to call the album Fearless because there
was a song on the album called Fearless so that was
sort of where I got the name from." - Taylor Swift
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|_|         |_|  02.04.09 ISSUE 441
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* Fern v This Morning
* MPs v BBC expenses
* Charts: Lady GaGa is number one

        >> The new People's Princess? <<
        Come on, make Gwyneth our Queen of Hearts

    Gwyneth Paltrow gets a rough press. But it's
    time we started looking beyond the ridiculous
    life advice on her website, her A-list guide to 
    London and part-time film career to see she's
    really been devoting her life to helping the
    unfortunate. Even if the old Harvey 
    Weinstein-and-her-leg stories aren't to be 
    believed, remember this. She's been married to 
    Chris Martin for nearly six years. But as 
    Gwyneth spends more time in LA and the Coldplay
    bed-wetter in London, we fear the growing chorus 
    of doomsayers in LA might be right, the omens 
    are not looking good for the marriage. So for 
    the good of us all, let's just swallow the 
    sarcasm and hysterical laughter and welcome
    back Our Gwyneth. There's a vacancy for a new 
    People's Princess, and - let's face it - could 
    we really face a post-break up Coldplay album?

Pablo Escobar Jnr, son of the Colombian drug legend,
is re-branding the family name with a reality TV 
show and a planned Escobar fashion label. 

        >> Big Questions <<
        What some people are asking this week

    Which controversial Hollywood superstar isn't 
    afraid to be seen in the company of plastic
    surgeons but is said to be unhappy that his
    Contour Thread Lift  (i.e. revolutionary, 
    subtle face lift procedure) hasn't delivered 
    quite the expected age-reduction?

    Who's the Daddy? Which Hollywood heart-throb 
    with young kids spent most of January and 
    February photographed only wearing sunglasses?
    The glasses are off and the eyelift is 
    looking good.

Rock 'n roll's not dead... ? Open this issue of Mojo
and watch a "15% off Homebase voucher" fall out. 

        >> Horse play <<
        Two British institutions, one day

    Saturday is a momentous day in Britain. First 
    off we get Jade Goody's funeral  ("Jade's coffin
    will be conveyed by a vintage Rolls hearse
    followed by a cortege of four Daimler
    limousines and a Bentley, Jade's favourite car")
    and then we get the Grand National. The Sun
    tried to buy up a horse running in the National,
    Parson's Legacy, and change its name to Jade's
    Legacy. Sadly for the bookies, and the money
    they would have made on it, the authorities
    nixed the idea. 

    Best bets on the day - we think -  are Darkness,
    Irish Invader and, topically, Offshore Account.
    Beckham fans might want to go for Brooklyn 
    Brownie. Choose a horse with longish odds 
    (look at 20-1 and above) and bet "each-way", 
    which means you'll win if the horse finishes 
    in the top five. Use this link and if you lose
    this bet, Betfair will give you your money back 
    within 48 hours. 

Guy Hands was at Lily Allen's recent gig. Despite
being the only suited and booted-type in the room
he celebrated her track "Fuck You" by making "V"
signs in time with the music.

        >> Snouts in the trough <<
        BBC versus MPs versus tabloids

    As the BBC digs deeper into the MPs expenses row,
    so they dig themselves a new hole. Tabloids
    are busy looking into publishing more on why
    the BBC itself doesn't disclose pay and perks.
    A BBC insider tells us:

    "The problem is there are are huge disparities
    in pay between equivalent positions in different
    departments, a result of a shambolic and 
    unco-ordinated negotiating structure. If that got
    out, it would cost the BBC an absolute fortune 
    in compensating those getting by on a hundred 
    grand a year less than the person in the next 
    office. A far better story for any hacks out 
    there would be to investigate the power of
    agents as executive producers. Leaving aside 
    the compliance smokescreen, there are agents 
    out there using the BBC to plug other talent
    on their books and making a fortune out of it.
    A cursory check of the number of guests
    on Jonathan Ross' TV and radio shows managed
    by his agent might be an interesting place to
    start to see if it threw up anything interesting?"

RIP: Lorne, the karaoke loving demon from Angel.
Actor Andy Hallett died this week, aged 33.

        >> Double hander <<
        The most expensive tug in history?

Dan, London writes:
    "MPs collectively claim £93m in expenses, but
    in the wake of Jaqui Smith’s husband being
    caught having 2 off the wrist, MPs are debating
    scrapping the second home allowance. That would
    equate to overall expenses being reduced by a 
    third. So divide that by two porn films,
    aka two wanks, it equates to 15.5m pounds
    per hand party. That’s got to be one of the 
    most expensive in the history of rosie palmer
    and her five sisters?" 

A US study is claiming that the credit crunch is
meaning a higher percentage of Americans than ever
are demanding sleeping pills from their doctors.

        >> Say sorry to a star <<
        Photographer makes overdue apology

JE writes:
    "I once was an assistant on a photo shoot where 
    the famous Vogue fashion editor Andre Leon Talley
    was present.  I had a running joke at the time 
    with a friend who worked at Vogue that Talley 
    and editor Anna Wintour were vampires, so I 
    thought it would tickle my friend to see a photo 
    of me and Talley.  But how to get the photo? 
    Talley was an intimidating presence, a big guy, 
    and, while not exactly mean, held himself aloof 
    from the many lower level workers, myself 
    included, on the large scale shoot.  I decided
    to completely lie and tell him I had a friend, 
    a young designer, who idolized him, and this 
    young designer had AIDS. I asked him if he would 
    consider having his picture taken with me because
    it would mean so much to my friend. Talley made
    the big name photographer personally take 
    polaroids of us and signed them to my 
    non-existent friend (Barry).  My REAL friend 
    did get a hoot out of it.  And now, many years 
    later, I apologize, Andre Leon Talley."

50 Cent does not write his own Twitter updates. Fiddy's 
business manager does. Rap stars keepin' it real etc.

        >> Jazz is the old/new rock and roll <<
        Celebrity Parasites: the smack fluffer
    The jazz great Don Cherry had a special nurse in
    his dying days. He'd pretty much used up all his
    available veins, so her job was to blow smack 
    up Don's arse through a blow pipe. She apparently 
    said it was one of the easiest jobs she'd ever had. 

An actor writes: "Laughed a lot at your tale from the
extra the other day. There's an old joke in the 
tv/film trade "How do you kill an extra'? Answer: 
"Put a sandwich in the middle of the road".

        >> The fat of the land <<
        Who will replace Fern Britton?
    Fern Britton leaving This Morning might not just
    be down to her fury at being paid so much less
    than co-host Philip Schofield. There's an issue
    dating back to Gastric Band-gate involved. 
    ITV head honcho Peter Fincham invited both Brittan
    and Schofield out to discuss it, but Schofield, 
    not unreasonably, demurred, saying it wasn't
    really his problem.

    And the longlist to replace Fern? Ruth Langsford
    (Mrs Eammon Holmes), Emma Forbes (think Saturday
    morning past TV), Carol Vorderman, Fiona Phillips,
    Denis Welch, Carol Smillie, Zoe Ball, Nadia Sawalha
    and Myleene Klass. Our money's on Fiona or Myleene.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic madam?
A: She ran a warehouse.

        >> The Originals pt 4 <<
        Without You - the full story

    Harry Nilssen's Without You is one of the most
    famous, loved and copied songs in pop. Nilssen
    had a largely sad life -  both Keith Moon and
    Mama Cass died in his London flat, and he died
    aged only 52 in 1994. Yet Nilssen didn't 
    write Without You, it started off as a Badfinger
    album track, written by Pete Ham and Tom Evans.
    Ham's story was on even sadder one. His quiet
    personality didn't suit the music industry and
    as Badfinger got embroiled in personal and
    internal issues, Ham hung himself aged only 27. 
    He left a suicide note blaming the band's 
    business manager, Stan Polley, which ended
    "P.S. Stan Polley is a soulless bastard. I 
    will take him with me."


FYI: Pete's girlfiend was pregnant when he died. 
She called their daughter Petera. 

Get 20% off shoes at Shudoo.co.uk with the discount 
code 'POPSHOE' until April 9th. Free Delivery and 
Free Returns on all orders too:

        >> Things that make you go hmm <<
        Steve Martin, Megadeth, Derren Brown 

    John Shuttleworth has chosen the next track on
    Big Chill's 15 x 15 album. This year's festival
    has a great comedy line-up, including Dylan
    Moran, Sean Hughes, Josie Long, Russell Howard,
    Rob Deering and more

    Win tickets to see Popbitch’s newest favourite 
    pop star, Alex Roots:

    Sex toys for superstars - huge sale! If you're into 
    the Easter Bunny, fine. If not, try one of our
    rabbits instead -  much more fun:

    Proof that the legendary Steve Martin 
    business card exists:

    Bid for Megadeth's Cabinet of Deth:

    A lovesong to Derren Brown:     

        >> UK Top 40 <<
        We predict this week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
Lady GaGa Poker Face

++ Top Ten
Noisettes Don't Upset The Rhythm
AR Rahman Jai Ho
Steve Angello Show Me Love

++ Top Forty
Jack Penate Tonight's Today
Doves Kingdom of Rust

Thanks to: AM, Mrs There's-a-cake-in-my-handbag,  
Billy's mum, JK, steven, J, MK, PR,  Fatlimey, mg
vizzini, JM, CB, lovelight, HL

Old Jokes Home
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could 
teach me how to do the splits. 
They asked, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

Still Bored:
For Grand National inspiration, check out:
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